dchotwolf101

I have been trying to better my self lately..  I hit the bag everyday or least try too.. Figures it would help with my heart and all. I just seems that a part of me is yet not satisfied. I mean i feel great and all, but yet there is still something that drags me down oh yeah depression. I know back when i was a kid I fought with it. People thought it was a joke. Well now that i am older and wiser it seems the thoughts and my attitude change alot. One day i am ok the next i am miserable. I look in the mirror and see the same kid ive know forever. I am fighting me and myself all the time its a continuous battle.  I am not asking for help or sympathy just understanding.  For instance when i was in school i got into alot of fights. I am not a fighter I will not start a fight and I rather just walk away. There were times were i had to stand up for who i was. Most of the fights though i didnt see the other person i saw me. It was like i was beating the crap out of what ever demons were in me.  Well anyways when I punch the bag I still see me I still am fighting the same person ive been fighting my whole life sure life was hard and all. I just wish one day i could no longer fight me but instead fight the things that are really going on.  Its not easy being strong its not easy pretending you feel nothing and then when the door closes you finally brake down. So all i am doing is ranting.. So i guess what i am saying is were do you find strength when you whole life you had to be strong? 

You said you loved me,
Where were you when i needed you most,
You played me like the fool i was,
Took me off my high horse and left me for dead,
Didn't you see me fighting for you in the rain,
When you left it was like lightning hit me and i couldn't move,
My heart was split in two, I didnt know which way to to go,
I cried for you, I yelled for you, I bled for you,
Didn't you see me standing there being the man you needed me to be. 
My tears fell like the cold rain drops hitting my skin on a winters night.
Just like every storm the blows over the sun comes out,
The warmth heals this heart and my horse finds its way home,
The suns rays takes the nice cold nights and makes it warm,
So now i can see you don't love me, 
That is okay cause someone else does.

I whistle for my horse so I can get back up and ride like i used too.. Let it carry me threw this life I live... Let it jump the hurdles I go threw everyday. Let it keep me from the pain I have deep within. Oh how i wish to run like a wild horse oh so free. These days keep coming and i feel so short with out my horse to ride on... Why did I have to get knocked off my horse why did it not come back after the storm.. Now I ride on my pain like a thousand chains just dragging me down...  I use my courage to slice the chains that are dragging behind me for I am stronger then i used to be...  With my horse i can be the man that i have to be... I just want to be free from all the things that drag me down... 

Sorry about not having new stuff up yet.. I kinda haven't been working on my artistic ability lately 

I dont understand things sometimes.. Sometimes i just feel like i walk this earth as a lost spirit.. No purpose no reason just to be here... The heart that beats just beats to no earthly rhythm. No love inside just a cold dark place... Why must this heart be so empty why must i be so cold.. Why oh Why I ask only myself... See this is what goes on inside my head 24/7.. Because of these thought i skateboard the pain of when i feel at least lets me know i am still somewhat human and not an jost a lost soul wondering the earth all day long.. People say that i am suicidal no i am simply me  these thoughts are what cause my heart to beat that cause me to do what i do and who i am.. I am sorry if no one gets it sorry if no one understands but I tryed so many times to let people in and all they did was make my heart colder and the thoughts worse..  Some say that i choose to be cold and an ass but some people have hurt me so badly that i put up a wall just so i don't get hurt... I walk this path i always look for an exit i always look for a way out because no matter what i always get hurt...